I look at Malcolm the houseplant and it seems very poorly.
It’s a shame since it has lasted so long struggling to contend with long periods of no water with his leaves all wrinkled...
...and then long periods of over watering his poor crown.
...sometimes poor light with the blinds left drawn for day after day
...and sometimes left with its leaves scorched from the direct sunlight magnified through the window pane.
That plant has been pretty hardy. This time though, I think there needs to be an intervention for the sake of this survivor of a plant. Someone with a sense of moral direction needs to step in before its too late.
Given half a chance it would have been a beautiful plant, green and lush...maybe even sending up a sprig of brightly coloured flowers...
...but the pendulum of abuse and neglect has not so far given it a fair crack of the whip to ’show off’.
The instructions for caring for the plant are clear. So clear in fact the instructions are printed on the label, not in words but in symbols. Written for idiots. You are not an idiot and I know that you have more important things on your mind, but whether you like it or not the plant is a living thing.
You decided to buy him and forsake his opportunity to live in a caring home, and sure you have a right to buy a plant or in this case receive him as a gift, but just as Peter Parker’s uncle said “with great power, comes great responsibility”, these words echoed also by UK Prime Minister, David Cameron when discussing the welfare reforms when he said; "with rights come responsibilities”.
I suggest you have a simple choice; take five minutes out of your life every day, let the plant do for you the job he was meant to do; help you relax and enjoy your surroundings by helping to make your lodgings into a home. A place you can look forward to going to at the end of a long day.
You might not know this but your little bundle of joy here is able to reproduce too, given the right conditions. Why would you deprive that poor specimen of a chance of growing into his potential and further deny his God-given right to pass on his genes? I dont know how its done, but it must be possible otherwise there wouldn't be so many of them in the supermarket. What kind of sick person are you?
If you simply can’t be bothered to look after him, might I suggest that he needs to be taken into care. I know a family who would love to have him.
We could even discuss shared-care arrangements. But the status quo can’t continue.
I know its confrontational and I know you will most probably struggle to come to terms with the fact that you might not have succeeded as well as you had hoped during that first Christmas he was given to you, but just like the Dogs Trust remind us about our canine cousins, “a dog is for life and not just for Christmas.” I know that Alan has not yet said it but I am sure that his Gardeners World predecessor Geoff Hamilton would have “A plant is for life, not just for Christmas buddy.”
Now, I’ll give you 24 hours to gather your thoughts and then when I come back tomorrow, either your pull yourself together or I’ll come to take him to a new happy place away from here. It's up to you.
If you can think of any reasons why the houseplant should be saved or how, do please leave a comment.