I have not been too active on this for a while.
Life has been jolly busy.
The court case drags on but year-on-year, progress is made and I can see that ultimately justice will be done.
The other day my girlfriend of some time (we'll call her, SB) was moaning. She was going through her regular change routine when getting ready for work trying on different versions of the same uniform as she does most mornings.
"How do I look in this?", she says.
As I glance up from my Facebook reacting to the horrible feeling that my homeland is tearing itself apart in response to Brexit, I nod and encouragingly say "You look good."
"No. I will wear the other one."
She changed from one grey uniform into another. This time the zip is at the back. I help her zip up.
"I think this uniform is getting a bit tight" I say as I struggle to get the zip moving.
She turns around to look at me "Am I getting fat? They're all too tight."
"No. You look good. Maybe you could just try drinking more water or we could go swimming every day." I've been trying to cut down and give up smoking for a month or so and the reality is that at 40, I am getting a belly. I can feel it growing on me. I make an old man noise every time I bend over to pick something up.
SB looks into the mirror, turning sideways, as is her routine. "I think I am getting fat. I'll wear the other one."
We reverse the process and she is now putting on the uniform skirt/Chinese top combo.
"How do I look in this?"
As always on the third change I am over enthusiastic. I tell her she is beautiful and after throwing down the mobile and giving her my undivided attention I tell her this is my favourite.
Standing behind her, I look into the mirror. She is getting fat. It's my only prejudice. I can't stand the idea of obesity. A sure sign of greed and sloth. We both will need to drink more water and go swimming. We have no excuse. The pool is less than 100 meters from our house. Across a drive way really.
She goes to work and I start inputting information on to our website in the hope of providing customers with a chance to pay online and also to provide a tool for the sales staff.
It's mid afternoon now and I decide to pop by the tour desk where she has decided to work for the day. The first thing she says is how tired she is. Super tired. We chat about the dogs barking, her brother coming home late.
Then it hits me. "Maybe you're pregnant?"
We look at each other and laugh at the ridiculous nature of what I had just said. We know we can't have kids. I smoke too much and my sperm is too lazy to swim anywhere. Last year we even investigated IVF.
I agree to go and get a checking kit from the pharmacy.
I leave the hotel a little blown away. We will confirm that she is not pregnant and then get on the program to just lose weight. She is probably carrying around 15 kilos too much and that is sure to make anyone tired.
It's about 2pm now and as I walk down a small road toward the pharmacy two 6ft-tall lady-boys walk into my path.
"You want to have some fun?" says the first of the two.
'No, I need a pharmacy.' The second lady-boy opens their top and gives me a great view of a perfectly sculpted pair of boobs. "I just need to go to the pharmacy. I live here."
Realisation that I might actually be on a mission, 'Boob-Flasher' gets serious and takes me by the arm, telling me 'this pharmacy no good. I take you very good pharmacy."
I follow them. 'You have problem your dick?"
'No. My girlfriend wants to check to see if she is pregnant, have baby maybe."
BF becomes very excited and we up the pace leading onto 'prostitute street' and there, between two bars, like a medicinal beacon; a pharmacy.
I thank them and venture inside.
I look for a moment for 'clear blue' packaging. I can see nothing. "Hello, I am looking for a pregnancy check.'
"Al-eye-na?" - Thai for 'What?"
"I want check baby." I say. "Check-check Baybee."
The pharmacist shows me a blue box entitled 'Sure Test'. "This very good.", the pharmacist said reassuringly.
I ask "What percentage sure?"
"70%. For sure you need buy two. If check not same, come back and buy one more. Sure 100%." I smiled at the wonder of logic being presented to me and I bought two, as instructed.
I got back to the hotel and handed the boxes over. Off she goes to the bathroom and back after a few minutes.
"What does it mean?" SB asked. We both looked at the little plastic instruments of truth. We retrieved one of the boxes out of the bin and looked at the diagram.
"Can they both be wrong?"
"I think we are pregnant."
Silence.
End.